Spring nail polish

This weekend I went for a pedicure, one of life’s great pleasures. In honor of spring and my desperate need to believe that it truly is here, and that the sun will show up to stay soon, I chose a nail polish I felt would be a positive action to match my weak resolve. I chose a BRIGHT light yellow green, the very essence of spring! It was only going on my toes so even if it turned out not be as fantastic a choice as I thought, it would be hidden.

What I didn’t count on was how that particular color looks up against my very pink toes. Or my very blue toes when they’re cold. Oh yeah baby, we’re talking Gross-Me-Out City here. Not only are the color combos repulsive, the color actually made my nails look fungus ridden, and disease infested. Forget spring, this is the color I should have chosen for Halloween!!

On my way home this evening I’m stopping to pick up some nail polish remover and a new color, something more normal, like a slutty red maybe.

Gardens and Stooges

I’m so tired of the rain and grey skies!! I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. I’m just so over it all!! I want to sit out in the sun and warm my poor old decrepit bones. I’m really, really tired of being cold! I miserable!! --- Don’t you feel sorry for me?

I really am ready for spring to be here in all of her glory. This past weekend I planted flowers in my pots, hung window boxes, and finished trimming the bushes. Ok so maybe it was more like hacking at them, and Danna (my sister) helped A LOT, but it got done. The yard is looking pretty good; the flowers just need to grow now.

Yesterday Danna said we should put a veggie garden in my backyard. Excellent idea; as most of her ideas are! I have a good yard for a garden for several reasons: 1) My backyard gets great sunlight all day, 2) There’s plenty of room, and 3) I don’t have any kids or dogs, or all the things that go with them. Danna’s plan is to get the kids involved in the planning, prepping, planting and growing of the garden. This of course means she will be doing the lion’s share to the work, but the kids will still have a blast and learn something in spite of their short attention spans. I will try to remember to water it, and help as I can. I have to admit my attention span isn’t too long either.

I’m really excited to have a garden at my house. I like gardens, I just can’t stay interested in caring for them, but I will do very well if there is someone there to do the work with. I suck at solo endeavors, I’m much better with at least one other person to work with, or a team. You know having someone to talk to and laugh with as you do the work. Without that the work seems to take forever and I can find very little joy in it.

I never really got the whole convent and monastery thing where you work from sun up to sun down in silence. How does drudgery pleasing God? When does a loving parent wish that on their child? It’s a total mystery to me, which probably explains why I have a hard time with religion in general.

I want a faith that’s about possibilities, opportunity and being all you can be --- wait that’s the Army! The point is religion always seems to be about don’t do this and don’t do that; about you must be this or believe that to be accepted. It drives me crazy when people say things like you can’t get into heaven unless you believe in God, or you have to accept Jesus as your savior. REALLY? I better hope I was born and raised in the Bible Belt and not some corner of China where I’ve never heard of Jesus, because in that case I’m just plain out of luck.

What if the Muslims have it right, or the Buddhists and we’re all wasting our time in church? What if the Bushmen of Africa have the real answer? Because you know we all think we have the right answer, and if there can only be one (Highlander reference) how do we truly know?

The common answer in Christianity is kinda like the one your mom gave you growing when you’d just keep asking “Why?” to every answer, “Because I said so!!!!” “God says so” or “Jesus says so”, on and on. Faith equals obedience, because I said so. And, by the way, it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t earn a place unless you are obedient and believe. God gives us reason and independent thought to set us above the animals and then says, wait you can’t use it where I’m concerned. How do you accept what reason tells you is not true? It’s like the freaking chicken and egg question. Was God really just trying to see who he could make crazy?

I get visions of God sitting in the clouds with the heavenly host, eating pop corn and sucking down sodas watching us wrestle with this. We have to be endlessly entertaining. We can cure disease, overcome natural disasters, rearrange the earth to meet our needs but in the end, no matter the millions of things we can do in coordination, it comes down to the very few differences that keep us separate. Watching this has to be something like watching an ant colony where all the ants are clones of Curly, Mo and Larry.

Crime call #1

For eight years I was a crime prevention specialist in Portland. During that time I have heard some very interesting stories and thought I’d share one today.

This is the story of a break in.

I got a call from a woman who was obviously quite old, and quite upset. She tells me that someone has been breaking into her house.

This is a serious matter and there is information I need to get. Older people sometime don’t like to call the police, because they’re afraid that being a victim of a crime is a sign that they can’t take care of themselves, and they worry about being removed from their homes and place into care facilities. So, I was used to helping out in situations where people were hesitant about going to the police and I often acted as a liaison in these situations. Here is how our conversation went, kind of.

Me: Were you home when the break in occurred?

Lady: No it happens when I leave the house.

Me: Do you know how they are getting in?

Lady: No, I have no idea.

Me: Have you checked all your doors and window to see if any have been broken or forced?

Lady: Yes, they are all fine.

Me: Are you sure everything was locked before you left the house?

Lady: Oh yes, I always check.

Me: Is anything missing?

Lady: No, not really.

I’m stumped because I’m not hearing anything that makes me think she’s had a break-in. At this point a caller has usually given me a ton of details.

Me: How do you know someone has been in your house?

Lady: Because every time I come home there is less salt in the salt shaker then when I left, and I want whoever it is to stay out of my house and leave my salt alone.

Well, what could I say to that?

The really interesting thing is, if you can believe it, a co-worker in another part of the city had an elderly gentleman call him with almost the same complaint in the same week. His problem was that when he left his house and came back there was less sugar in the sugar bowl.

We briefly thought about trying to set them up on date.

Bosses I have known

To-do list or not to-do list, that is the question!

My boss is addicted to to-do lists; she’s very organized and a great boss. However, I’m not a big to-do list kind of person. I know this drives her crazy and causes her to worry that I will forget something, but the truth is I never really got the knack of making and following them. I just know what I’m suppose to be doing, I can’t explain it any better then that. I really, really wish I was as organized as she is. If I were, I think I would feel more in control. Of course I hear that the whole idea of control is a fantasy.

Today I made a rare to-do list of things I need to accomplish next week at work. There are eight items on it and I know it will take me most of the week to get them done, because it’s a list of general items and isn’t broken down into all the pieces of work that goes into each item. I plan to show it to my boss, it always makes her day when she sees I’ve made a list. Its good policy to throw the boss a bone every once in awhile.

Another thing my boss does is ask questions, this is how she processes information, so she asks a lot of them. This particular practice drives a few of my colleagues crazy and makes them paranoid. I kind of like it because at times it gets me to thinking about things in a way I haven’t thought about them before.

This gets me to thinking about other bosses I’ve had in the past that I haven’t appreciated quite so much. Like Bart the Fart. Maybe I just misunderstood him. He didn’t ask any questions, he just barreled along and blamed staff when things didn’t turn out to his advantage. He was the kind of boss that when staff is volunteering to work on projects we all hoped he wouldn’t decide to try and help us. That would just turn the whole thing into a mess and take 4 times as long. Perhaps that was how he processed information, and I should have been more understanding? Maybe I should have continued to reach out to him after I pulled the knife from my back? Perhaps I should be ashamed of the voodoo doll I stuck full of pins in my desk drawer? Nope! Just can’t do it. He really was a Fart!

Then there was Bob Busy Fingers, the boss/owner who couldn’t keep his fingers out of your work. Every Monday we’d come into work and it would take us an hour to figure out what he had done to the computer files over the weekend, when he was maximizing our efficiency. This is also the boss who bounced four of my payroll checks, causing the bank to lock up my debit card just before town on vacation. Maybe I should have been more sensitive to his need to create chaos while yearning for control? Don’t think so!

Who could forget Skip the Power Trip? He liked to sit around while he pointed and commanded things done. He never actually helped with anything. He also liked to promise prime shifts, or days off but never quite got them into the schedule. This was his opportunity to command that you work what you were scheduled, regardless of prior arrangements. Perhaps the shock treatment I administered by leaving and refusing to play his games was the wrong way to go? Maybe I should have been more understanding? Right!!

And then there was Sid the Sociopath, a truly disturbed individual that worked on the assumption that if he thought it was a good idea it had to be. Of course the way he determined if something was a good idea was by gauging how powerful it made him appear, and how little responsible he would actually have. Sid was very fond of interrupting work to make loud proclamations to us little people. He felt it was his duty to let us bask in the glow of his presence on a regular basis, unless we needed something from him of course, like a check the bank would cash. Threatening to sue him might have delayed advancement in his treatment, that is if he were being treated for his mental affliction, might not have been the most sensitive move to make. It did get me paid through and a letter of recommendation.

Yep, I’ve had some bosses that were real stinkers, not to mention ones that should have been locked away for the sake of society. But, for every bad one, I’ve had at least two really great ones. I have a great one now, who doesn’t even insist that I do to-do lists.

Happy feet

This past winter I discovered Crocs, well maybe not Crocs, but the Wal-Mart equivalent. For $7.00 I got a great warm and comfortable pair of shoes. The ones that are all enclosed and lined, very nice!! It’s like wearing Dutch wooden shoes if they were made out of plastic and lined. OK maybe they aren’t too much like wooden shoes but that’s what they remind me of. The other day I was in Fred Meyer’s and saw the more common looking Croc type shoe with the holes in them and since my feet have been sweating I bought a pair.

Ohmygawd!!! They’re even better then the ones I had. These are pliable and squishy. It’s like walking on a cushion! I’m going back and buying more, a lot more, in different colors.

I’ve seen Crocs on people all over the place, but I’ve never really thought much about them until my sister made me try on her pair. She was going on and on about how great they were. Once I tried them on I was hooked like a trout.

Now I hear all over the place that Crocs are tacky and not the “in” thing anymore. This is from the fashion world. I’m not sure they were ever Croc fans. I certainly hope it’s not true. Of course it would be just my luck to have discovered something great and then it’s gone.

The problem with fashion is that designers don’t really wear it. They are all in either simple, frumpy black, or something weird and frumpy, or just plain weird. They design clothes for prepubescent amazons and shoes for people with small feet who only have to wear them just long enough to snap a photo or go down a cat walk. Even I could wear something that long. The real test is how does a normal person’s foot feel at the end of a normal work day? Can you chase down a three year old in them? What about climb steps and work in the yard?

I think Crocs, and their look-a-likes, are here to stay, just like the flip-flops. In a lot of ways I think the two have a lot in common: they slip on and off easily, they are cheap and readily available, people of all ages can wear them, they hold up to a lot of use, you can hose them down, they come in a variety of colors, and you can wave at people with your toes while wearing them.

I’m waving at you, can you see?

Trivia and singing

I am a fount for useless, or nearly useless, knowledge. That’s right I’m a trivia magnet. My brain is stuff with weird and obscure info that begs the question, “Why is that stuck in my head?” But, I’m crap with names, something that would be really useful to remember. Why does the universe work like that?

I know that the chief export of Bolivia is tin, there is a smaller version of the Statue of Liberty in Paris, Sam Houston is the only person to have been the a US governor, a US senator and the president of a foreign county, “Doing a drug deal” is slang in the military for the difficult and arduous process of getting around rules and regulation with permission, there is a variety of octopus that can be found in trees on the northern Pacific coast, and there’s just a ton of stuff like that crammed into the corners of my brain. I can’t explain why how gets stuck there, but there it is.

One time I was talking to someone about California. This person mentioned that California was to the west, we were in Washington at the time. I smiled and said don’t you mean south. He laughed at me and said everyone knew it was to the west. Now I may have been confused a time or two about which direction was north, but I’ve never misplaced a major state.

Then there are the things I can’t do, like sings and remember names. Singing is my greater sorrow. I’d love to be able to sing. I wouldn’t have to be a great singer. I just want to sing well enough that I could do karaoke without embarrassing myself or being booed off the stage. You know just well enough that dog don’t howl and run for the hills with their tails between their legs. It’s a hard burden to bear to when you have music in your soul yearning to break free and celebrate, has to be restrained. It’s a sad, sad thing. (I know, don’t you feel sorry for me?)

I got into one of those “what if…” conversations; what if you could give up one talent to gain another. That seemed like a fair question, but the more I thought about it the more I didn’t want to give up any of my talents to gain a decent singing voice. As weird as being a trivia magnet is, I’d rather keep that then give it up. It’s just a part of who I am. A know-it-all that can’t carry a tune.

Indestructible underwear and losing bad taste

Have you ever noticed that the things in life that annoy you the most are the most difficult to get rid of? For instance I have a pair of underwear I bought about three years ago. This in itself is a miracle since underwear usually lasts just a few months. Of course this indestructible piece of lingerie (maybe lingerie us a strong term for cotton briefs, but hey) has a really annoying feature, a tag placed in such a way that it feels like its biting you. So basically this underwear will last forever but I’ll suffer the whole time I wear it. Doesn’t that sound like a modern day Greek tragedy?

My second ex-husband came with three things that were really scary, and I’m not sure it they were scary for themselves or his insistence that they were great: a crocheted armadillo sucking on a long necked Lone Star bottle, a sunset painting on orange velvet, and a large rug of dogs playing poker. I swear I didn’t know he owned these things before we were married. I mean really, how do you work stuff like into a decorating plan?

Being a woman of some wit and creativity I decided to store them away in a box with his collection of 8-track tapes. No harm no foul, right? Oh contraire! Apparently the newly acquired significant other felt strongly that they should be displayed, prominently. I’m talking in the living room! He was highly offended when I hung the sunset behind a door.

As I said I was not without wit and creativity. Do you know how many times we had to move before I managed to lose all of these things? I thought about losing them all at once but thought he would catch on. The first to go were the dogs, then the velvet, and finally the armadillo. I am a Texan after all, and as tacky as the armadillo was I did feel a bit of a traitor when it went.

Where there’s a will there’s a way!

Sock-hops and toilet paper

Friday evening I attended the sock-hop at our local elementary school. What a blast!! I’ve even gotten some of my hearing back!

There were over 250 people in attendance, from newborns to the very senior. (No, I’m not talking about myself!) It was a huge success on a number of levels:

-- families that have never attended a school event before came and stayed
-- we had the most diverse attendance we’ve ever had for a PTO function
-- everyone had a great time
-- all the kids went home and slept like logs

The disc jockey did an awesome job of keeping everyone interested. We did a lot of group dances like the Hokey-Pokey, YMCA, Thriller, Electric Cha-Cha, Shout, Chicken Dance, and of course the Conga Line! Even if you weren’t participating, it was great entertainment to just sit and watch your neighbors gyrate to the grooves. Some were definitely better then others, and some there was just not explaining.

Most popular with the kids was when the DJ cranked up his leaf blower with the handy dandy toilet paper attachment and blew streams of TP all across the gym. Of course that left bits of TP all over the floor. Toward the end of the evening I notice a volunteer with a push broom collecting up a pretty good pile of the paper. When she turned around though one little boy swooped in and grabbed a giant armful and ran off with it. It was hopeless. At the end of the night there were several rolls of TP bits and pieces covering the gym. Our intrepid DJ knew his business though. He removed the TP holder, cranked up the blower and went to work blowing it all into a corner! Who know you could have so much fun with a leaf blower and toilet paper?

On a more personal note I got some exercise which I always need and rarely get. I learned how to use the video function on my digital camera. I now have footage of my best friends doing the YMCA. They will pay dearly for that! HA HA HA HA

Do yourself a favor and go to a school sock-hop if you get the chance! Better yet help organize one!

Head hunting season is open!

This is turning into a great corporate executive hunting season. We have Medoff’s head on the block, and all those money grabbers at AIG. All for mishandling our money.

Well, while we’re in the mood to do some head hunting; there are a few other types of executives I’d like to go after:

Bathroom Executives: whoever is authorizing the making of toilet paper that instead of tearing across the perf, shreds into long strings, or toilet paper that tears off one freaking sheet at a time! Also whoever sets the standard size for a lavatory in an airplane. I mean really!!! You cram hundreds of people onto a plane, into seats only toddlers can get their butts into comfortably, and then install bathrooms so small you can sit down but you can’t bend over?? This is a good idea why? – These executives should be condemned to use only the toilet paper they produce and the lavatories they install for the rest of their natural and unnatural lives.

Pro-sports Executives: You know those people who come to your city and want you to subsidize the building of an arena. Tell me how that got started. We’re building venues for mega millionaires so that multi millionaire can play a child’s game, and then we get the privilege to paying astronomical ticket prices to watch. Meanwhile our kids can’t follow a play book because they schools have been cut, again. Oh yeah, and they are going to hose you on the merchandise too! And then, they’re going to move the team. – These executives should be put to work shoveling shit because they are obviously producing levels way above their share.

Movie Distributing Executives: Those people that approved the DVD where you can’t fast forward through all the ads and previews. They go hand in hand with the executives that made it impossible to view an on line video without watching an ad. Also the ones who started putting ad up in theaters before trailers and movies. They figured how to get you to pay to watch advertising. – Obviously this scum should only able to watch adds the rest of their lives.

Eyeglass Executives: In particular whoever continues to put those little screws in to hold the ear pieces on the lens portion. This is the work of a really sick and evil puppy. Your ear piece comes loose and you have to screw them back on, but you can’t see the screw because you can’t wear your glasses, HELLO!!!! I love that they put a little magnifying glass in the repair kits. So let’s just think about this for a moment… with one hand try and hold the earpiece in place with the lens piece, with the other hand you hold the magnifying glass, and with our third hand you hold the use the little screw driver. What a bunch of geniuses, or mutants. – These sadistic contortionists should spend eternity half blind with their broken glasses and a repair kit.

I’m ready to organize a hunting partly, so sharpen your spears and get your war paint on!

Exasperated and knackered

Sorry not to have written much this week, as in not at all. No excuse other then to say I’ve been busy. In fact to borrow a phrase from our Aussie friends, I’m knackered!! There’s been so much to do at work this week its felt like a month has gone by.

One or the most challenging issues this week has been to liaison between a project engineer who is ready to send documents out to bid and a property owner who is OK with the project in concept but not application. The engineer is understandably anxious to get going and doesn’t really want to delay his project. The property owner wants to see right of way improvements that would include sidewalks and curbing which do not currently exist. Unlike many property owners in this situation, he’s not expecting us to improve his property at our expense, he willing to pay for the improvements. This almost never happens. So, there has been some push back from both sides and I’m the one in the middle trying to make it work for everyone.

For the type of public construction projects I work on, it’s very common to have requests from property owners. When the outreach effort is initiated at the proper time, generally at 30% design, addressing with these issue goes more smoothly, but addressing them at 90% is rarely painless, in fact it’s pretty much guaranteed to hair pulling, eye gougingly painful. It’s also the kind of pain that revisits you on a regular basis. Anything poorly done leads to mistrust in the future.

This is one of two projects I’ve recently been handed that were well past the 30% mark. The other one will be even more painful I fear. So I’m not only knackered, I’m also up the creek with filled with alligators and only a meaty soup bone for a paddle.

Tonight I’m headed for a good time at our neighborhood elementary school, to an old fashioned sock-hop. Thankfully Debbi called to remind me a little bit ago! It should be a lot of fun. I’ll be taking photos for the PTO and the neighborhood newsletter and website.

I remember as a freshman going to our school dances. I always had a great time and danced until I could barely breath. I wonder if high schools still have weekly dances, I’m thinking, probably not with all the cut backs. That’s a shame.

I remember in junior high the place to be was the roller skating rink. If I had a nickel for every hour I spent there, I’d have a lot of nickels!

I need an activity like these now in my middle years. A place to go regularly where I can be with people, have fun and get moving around. I wish that was the gym, but I don’t find that to be a fun activity at all. I haven’t been on skates in 28 years, and I haven’t been dancing in about 15 years. Oh God, I’m making myself depressed!! Excuse me while I go kick myself in the pants.

Returnig to high school

I recently got onto Facebook and since then I’ve found two old school pals and I’m close to hooking up with several others. This is so exciting since we’ve been out of high school for a really long time, 32 years. Ohmygawd, I can’t believe I just said that!! 32 years??? How can that be? I swear in my mind I don’t feel any older then 25, my body tells a different story though.

My friend Patti is still just as beautiful as ever. She was always the girl everyone wanted to dress like; she had the best fashion sense of us all. I was floored to find out she has been running a family business for auto repair. She was always certainly smart enough to do anything; I just can’t merge the fashion plate with the grease monkey in my mind.

My friend Bambi is also still radiant and happy. It’s not surprising that she is finding old friends and staying in touch. One of the things I remember about her is how she made everyone feel special and that she was a great pen pal. She is also still in contact with a lot our old classmates.

This is where my fit of guilt starts. Since I moved away from the old neighborhood very soon after graduation and eventually to the other end of the country, I haven’t kept in touch with anyone, except my cousin’s wife. We moved here together and raised our kids together. I’m seeing pictures of all these grown-ups and I’m desperately trying to make connections in my mind to the teens I went to school with, and it’s not working too well. Last night I went over my yearbooks and that only helped a bit. Some people I remember with amazing clarity, others not at all, and then there are the ones whose faces or names seem familiar but that’s about it. Its all hazy.

Sadly there are two I remember that have passed on and that makes me sad. They are opportunities that are gone forever now.

I wonder who remembers me and what they remember. Now there is a frightening thing to contemplate!

Isn't it funny how high school is only 4 years of your life (OK some of us may have taken a little longer but we won't mention that) and yet such a defining time in our lives that it is present in our minds forever after? I had those horrible dreams of getting up to receive my diplomia naked for almost 20 years after high school!! I'm so thankful that's behind me!!

Jesus at Wal-Mart

The other day my sister (Danna) and I were in Wal-Mart and you’ll never guess who we saw. Standing there bigger than life, and asking the clerk where to find something, was Jesus. I swear!! I looked at Danna, and she looked at me and we both looked at Jesus. He looked just like you would expect (I could kick myself for not pulling my cell phone out and taking a picture.) He had the long dark brown hair, and a little facial hair. He wore a gauzy white tunic and loose trousers, with sandals. He even wore a necklace of wooden beads and twine. I said, “Look Danna, it’s Jesus!!”

I went up to the clerk after he walked off and asked her if she felt honored to have Jesus shopping at her store. She laughed.

What would Jesus go to Wal-Mart for? They do have a lot of religious stuff there, books, jewerly and pictures. I don’t think they have holy water, but I guess any water Jesus touches would become holy so that probably isn’t something he needs to buy. I guess he could be there for a few loves and fishes. Maybe he wanted a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul, probably not. He was heading for the seasonal area, so maybe he was looking for some St Patrick’s Day or Easter decorations. Maybe he helps the Easter bunny out every year stuffing eggs. Do you think he would wear the ears and act goofy?

I wonder what other stores he shops at. Do you think he visits Target too, and how about K-Mart? Would he go to the high-end stores like Nordstrom’s or Saks? Does he shop local and visit the Farmers Market?

We thought about following him, but we had to get going, so we’ll never know what he bought. The next time you’re in Wal-Mart keep an eye of the Savior, you just never know when he’s show up. He’s kind of like the Spanish Inquisition, no one ever expects it. LOL

How do I sound?

Have you ever noticed that there are some languages that are just better for saying some thing then others, especially if you don’t speak those languages? For instance if you’re really angry and need to be as fearsome as possible getting your feelings across, you might consider German or Russian. If you want to make a point people won’t soon forget then Dutch and Greek may be a good choice, since they both tend to leave the listener in fear that something is going to get sprayed with the words.

This may explain why France isn’t taken very seriously when they get mad. The language is just too pretty sounding to ever think you have to worry about something. Italian is kinda the same way. Although it’s very expressive and you will certainly know if they’re pissed someone off, if for no other reason than the sign language, the problem with Italian is that even when you know they’re made, it sounds so great you’re like, “Do that again, I liked it!”

Any native speakers of these languages out there, sorry if I offend, it’s not my intent.

I wonder how our language sounds to others. Are we a good language to use when you’re angry, or is it sweet sounding, is it interesting at all? Maybe we just sound like ducks quacking.

Quack, quack!!!

Flex days and cats

Tomorrow is a flex day and as always I will have a lot to get accomplished. To start off, at 7:30 in the morning, I have to take my cat to the vet. This will be a lot of fun for anyone who is hanging around my house at that hour. My kitty hates the cat carrier and she’s fast! Usually I get my sister to come over and help me, that way I can lull her into a false sense of comfort with a little play and petting and then Danna whips out the carrier and I shove her in. Unfortunately Danna will be at work in the morning and I’ll be on my own. The chase should be a hoot; I’m thinking I may need to get up really early.

Now my other cat could hold a grudge. In fact if she felt you treated her badly she would totally ignore you and wait until you weren’t paying her any attention, and then she’d get you. We’re talking screaming and blood drawn. Then she’d set herself up in the window after she gave you that look at a said, “What?! You know you deserved it.” Then she’d giver herself a good bath. Not this cat, she will be all needy as soon as I let her out when I bring her home.

I’m taking her for her shots and to get her fixed. Why do we call it getting fixed? It’s not like she’s broke, in fact everything seems to be working very well which is why she’s seeing the vet. If your friend fixes you up that usually means you’re headed for a good time, but I’m thinking she’s not going to thank me for this date.

Grace, prayer and Excel

I am a member of a ladies bible study group. We meet every other Wednesday evening. This is generally a very social time but we also get our lessons in. The current course we’re studying has been a bit clumsy. The person who wrote the book we’re using is in love with big words seldom used in the real world. Then, at odd moments he makes attempts to get clever with them, which generally ends up being just awkward.

Anyway, all that aside, last night our lesson was on divine grace and how we need to exercise forgiveness in our lives. At one point in the book they give you a prayer with a few blanks for you to fill in. It went something like this:

Dear Load, I forgive ________________ for ___________________ on ___________. Yadda yadda yadda.

In a little box above the prayer were three columns kinda like this:

**My brother John

**for not helping me

**Jan 2, 2008

My friend Debbi starts cracking up laughing and we’re all looking at her because this was the serious part of the lesson. I don’t want to say she was inappropriate because she will take exception, but hey. (Kiss, kiss Debbi!!) Anyway, once she can speak she says, “It’s like a mail merge!” Holy indebtedness! She was right!

We decided if you develop and maintain a spreadsheet of all the offences perpetrated against you and then periodically you could take them out, do a mail merge and there by be much more efficient in your forgiveness.

I wonder if God uses Excel, and the whole Office suite. Bill Gates better be worried if God has Vista, because I think the Devil had a hand in its development.

Well, I’ll sign off for now and go update my Excel spreadsheet.

Honking, airbags and karma

Someone just sent me a video that has me laughing. It starts out with a couple of skateboarders getting ready to do some tricks they obviously want to record. All of a sudden you hear brakes off screen, the boarder turn around to see what’s up, and the camera pans around to an intersection. At the cross walk is a shinny convertible sports cars with a youngish guy at the wheel. Standing at the corner is an old woman. The car honks and the old lady jumps and starts across the street. She’s really old and not moving very fast, but it’s obviously her standard speed.

Well, Mr. Shinny Convertible is just not satisfied with her rate of progress and starts honking at her. She’s a little old lady so she stops and gives him a look and he just keeps honking and revving his engine. So, what’s she suppose to do? She does what any self respecting old lady does….she gives his grill a good shot with the big purse hanging from her elbow. Surprise!!!! Mr. Shinny Convertible gets a face full of airbag and the little old lady proceeds on across the intersection.

I love it, and the boarders did too, since you can hear them laughing in the background. Mister high and mighty brought down by a little old lady who could care less. She’s obviously seen much more impressive things in her life.

As the video cuts out, Mr. Shinny has beat down the airbag and is opening the car door. I’d love to see the next 30 seconds of this encounter. It was probably withheld because it’s just too embarrassing to see a grown man in his prime beat down by a little old lady while teen skates watch and laugh.

I think the moral of this story is that karma is a bitch and sometimes she strikes with amazing speed. There have been very few times in my life when karma has struck so instantaneously, but I love that it did in this case; I love more that I got to see it, and that I love that I can keep playing it over and over again.

Lost bus pass and security

I have lost my ID badge from work. That normally wouldn’t be such a difficult thing to deal with, but the holder I had it in also has my monthly bus pass, my business cards, the combination to the door at work and a collection of cards from people I have met over the last couple of weeks. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

This is so aggravating!! The ID card and the combination are the easiest to replace, and I have plenty more business cards. It’s the other stuff that is the worry, especially my bus pass. Those bandits at C-Tran (local bus provider) will hold me up for another $130. I already feel like I pay enough for a pass, and the price just went up again this month. I sure don’t want to pay for anther one. I’ve looked everywhere, so at this point I have to hope someone has dropped it in the mail and that I will get it by the end of the week.

I use the ID card to pass through the security stalls to get in and out of our building. What a joke!! If I wanted to blow up this building all I’d have to do is show up with a box and say I was delivering it to a certain floor and the guards would let me pass. They don’t check the box, they don’t call to make sure someone is expecting a package, or even go with you to make sure you’re delivering to where you said you were. Honestly, there could be anything in that box, high explosives or a birthday cake, or high explosives in a birthday cake. Happy Birthday to you!!

If I forget my badge and go up to the guard, who I say hello to at least twice a day, and say I’ve forgotten my badge on my desk, I’m subjected to a lecture on how I need to have it with me at all times. Please!!! Like that badge means anything. There are people here who have had the same badge for 15 years, like they still look anything like they did back then. For all anyone would know they were fired for threatening to blow up the building, and are now back to carry it out.

Security is a very expensive joke. We’re going through big budget cuts this year and I keep waiting for someone to suggest we cut this little joke and spend the money someplace better, like parks or transportation.

So, it’s time to head out and catch the bus, I sure hope I can talk my way on again without paying the fare. Wish me luck, and if you find my badge, please mail it to me!!

Bad TV and bad choices

Sunday I was watching some old episodes of America’s Next Top Model. (You know I have a weakness for it. See first blog “What are my angles?”) It was on the Oxygen Channel.

I think there has been a mix up in the naming of this channel. It should be called the Prozac Channel because a lot of the people on there could use the drug and if you watch in for very long you will probably need it yourself. I mean who does the programming? Bad Girls Club, Snapped, and all those depressing movies.

First off, Bad Girls Club, I can’t even stand to watch the commercials for this show, you’d have to put a gun to my head to get me to watch it. Why would anyone behaving that badly want it spread across the TV? And, why would anyone want to watch a bunch of people with the self control of three year olds and the mouths of drunken sailors? I mean really, if I acted like that you couldn’t pay me enough to let you air it. Do these people actually have to sit down and watch it?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a few wild and crazy things while in an altered state. I’ve even done a few not so nice things when I wasn’t in an altered state. I at least had the good sense to be totally embarrassed afterwards. Lucky for me that was before cell phone and digital cameras, not to mention camcorders. It was also before websites and blogging.
Holy cow we thought slam books were the worst things in high school. Now you can be slammed all over the internet.

I learned a new term this past week, “sexting”. This is when you take naughty pictures of yourself and then text them to your significant other. Apparently this is alarmingly common among the high school set. As if that wasn’t alarming enough, the real problem (can you believe that isn’t the real problem) occurs when you break up with your boyfriend and he then sends the pictures to everyone in his address book and they send it to everyone in theirs. Of course messages get added and pretty soon you’re a target at school. A high school student recently committed suicide after being the victim of this.

I’m really disturbed by this incident for a number of reasons. First, the girl should have known better, but we all do REALLY stupid things when we’re teenagers. Second, that the other girls in the school didn’t support her and go after the boyfriend for treating her so badly. Third, that the school staff, who apparently knew what was going on, just let it go on. I think I’m most upset about the other girls not supporting her. I always told my daughter and her friends that in life boyfriends will come and go, but your girlfriends are the ones who will be there for you and will support you. That girls should stick together. In high school, my girlfriends and I would have stood solidly together. That boy would have been very sorry for messing with one of us.

I would like to go on the record right now that I will NOT be sexting anyone!! And, I would appreciate if everyone would reciprocate by not sexting me.

My sister is a high school teacher and she ends each class by telling her students to be careful and make good choices. Alway very good advice!

Three Cups of Tea

This weekend was pretty laid back. I did some housework, some shopping, made a great chicken pot pie for Sunday dinner, started a puzzle, and finished a book.

I just finished Three Cups of Tea http://www.threecupsoftea.com/, what an amazing story!! If you haven't read it yet you need to, in fact every American should read it. It's about Greg Mortenson, a mountain climber who fails in his attempt on K2 (second highest mountain in the world). He comes close to dying on the Baltoro Glacier and wonders into a Balti village in northern Pakistan where the villagers take him in and save his life. To repay them he offers to build them a school for all their children. He has no money, but through sheer determination and unbelievable luck he manages to pull together the money he needs and heads back to Pakistan to build their school and discovers a few things, 1) as hard as getting the money had been, that would be the easiest part, 2) there's a lot he doesn’t know and much he will have to learn from the most unlikely teacher, and 3) he's found his life's work even though it takes him a couple of years to figure it out, and then someone has to point it out to him before he recognizes it.

Through his work the Central Asia Institute (CAI) https://www.ikat.org/ is born and he sets out to build hundreds of schools across northern Pakistan and Afghanistan. For a village to qualify for a CAI school they must donate the land, and labor to build it, and they must allow their daughters to attend as well as their sons. CAI also builds clinics, and women's centers. CAI schools, in many cases, are the only alternative to radical madresses where young boys are being indoctrinated into a terrorist culture. The CAI’s mission is to promote and support community-based education, especially for girls, in remote regions of Pakistan and Afghanistan. What the CAI is doing costs peanuts, but makes positive changes for generations.

Two of the girls from the very first class in that first Balti school have gone on to college, one to be a doctor and the other to be a teacher.

I have always said that you can’t change a culture in a few years, you need at least a generation. And, you can’t change I from the top down, you have to start on the block where people live and give them the power to make the changes. Greg Mortenson and the CAI have found a way to make this happen and it’s working in a big way.

I have made a donation to CAI and I'm sure I will make more. As a woman I feel the work they do is very important. As a mother I feel it's important. As the mother of two soldiers I feel my donation is also and investment in their safety.

If I had an independent means of supporting myself I’d jump at this. At this point in my life I have a low threshold for discomfort, so while I’d love to go see these places and the work being done, I’d still want clean sheets, a running toilet, and drive up service. I know, I’m such a wimp!!

Phones, secret admirers and flashers

I’ve had five hang-up calls at work today. This is very unusual and it has me wondering if it’s the same person trying the same wrong number over and over again, or is it five different people calling and then hanging up on me? If it’s one caller they’re either a slow learner or an eternal optimist. If it’s five different people that’s quite a coincidence. Either way it’s strange.

I remember when I was a teenager calling a guy’s house to hear his voice when he answered. How lame is that? And yet we’ve all done it. Maybe I have a secret admirer!! Lets see, who could it be? That cute hunky guy from IKEA? No, I never talked to him and he’s young enough to be my son, and you all know how I feel about that. (see What the hell were you thinking?) Toby Keith? One of the best things about him is his voice so if he’s not talking that’s a real loss. Adrian Paul? (TV Highlander) He’s all eye candy so maybe I need a video phone. Wow, having a secret admire, that would be……….just wrong. A secret admirer is something that sounds cool and romantic until you really think about it, and then it feels creepy.

In my old crime prevention days something like this might have worried me. There were times when the bad guys or the crazies would make threats. I’ve been threaten, chased and followed at different times. So if this is the same person and they are trying to intimidate me then it’s not working. Heck, they aren’t even breathing into the phone. I never really understood why breathing feels so threatening to people. I think it’s the sign of a person too stupid to come up with something to say, or it’s someone having an asthma attach.

Thinking back to my crime prevention days and the things that freak people out. I remember there was a time when we had a flasher hanging out (hahaha) in a local park. He liked to jump out in front of women on the trails and expose himself. The women would freak, and most of the time call the cops crying. I always wondered how bad his equipment had to be to make them cry. I always thought that the best way to defeat a flasher was to point and laugh. If you really want to aggressive, carry a can of neon spray paint and whip it out and give his a shot. That way when you called the cops you can tell them to look for the guy spray painted bright orange. I bet he’d keep his zipper up after that, at least until the paint wore off.

I never understood why people would be afraid of a flasher, they’re really pathetic when you think about it. Here’s a guy that gets all excited about doing something that most little boys grow out of at around 3 or 4 years old. I remember a long time ago seeing a cartoon of a little boy showing his stuff to a little girl and saying, “See what I got, you don’t have one of these.” The little girl pulls up her dress and show him her stuff and says, “With one of these I can all of those I want.” So basically guys just need to stop thinking Fraud was right about that penis envy thing. Can you believe the western world of psychology takes this guy seriously? Talk about something being wrong!

I’m turning my phone off for the day and going out in the sun and ignoring everyone. Have a nice day!

Earning money and spending time

Today has been a meeting kind of day. You know one of those days when you’re in so many meetings you feel like you don’t have time to actually get anything done? Of course you’re getting things done because work is done in meetings with groups of people, but your individual work feels neglected. This has made me wonder how the president gets things done. It sure seems like he is in one meeting after another, in fact that seems to be all presidents ever do. So who’s doing the work?

When you get to thinking about it you realize that there’s a reason for all those people sitting in the background. The President is the one making the deal, getting the concessions, but then he has to rely on those background people to actually get the stuff worked out, in place and running right. I guess this is true of all leaders, whether they are the leaders of countries, companies or organizations. Boy, you better be sure you have good background people, because your reputation and career is really depending on them.

I guess in a way I’m a background person, just not at that level, and I’m not sure I ever want to be at that level. I like having time off and going home on time most nights. As I’ve gotten older I’ve grown to value that even more. In the last few years there have been a couple of positions in my bureau that I could have applied for that would have moved me up the ladder, and many people assumed I would apply. I thought about it, and came really close, but in the end I decided that those positions would require too much of the personal time I wasn’t willing to sacrifice. I like working on volunteer projects in the evening, watching a little TV, reading, or hanging with friends and family. I don’t get paid for any of it, at least not in money, but I find these activities very rewarding.

Don’t get me wrong I’m willing to give advice, share ideas and do the grunt work, but at this point I have to really fell invest in the project. Last year I spent over a 100 hours working on our neighborhood action plan, another 60 hours volunteering on projects with the PTO, and hundreds of hours supporting my solders. So while spending my time earning money is important to my way of life, I’ve decided that spending time to support my personal interests and growth is just as important to me, if not more.

So, get out there and find something you can spend you soul on that makes you happy. That has to be one of the keys to life.

NPR and corners

Today I was out and about in the car with NPR on the radio. In my personal car I generally don’t listen to NPR, but it tends to be on a lot in the work cars. I’m pretty flexible when it comes to the radio and music. As long as it isn’t George Jones (every time I hear him sing, it’s like nail on a blackboard), Rush Limbaugh, Fox News or gangster rap, I will listen to just about anything.
The cool thing about NPR is that you will hear about things you would never hear about any other way. Just listening sporadically, I have learned about how grain companies regulate the sell of seeds around the world and to hold the price high, and refusing to buy any grain or produce not grown form their certified seeds and starts. This means if you are wise and have been careful to save seeds from your crops to use next year you’re screwed because you’ve killed your ability to sell that crop. On NPR I learned about a woman in India who started a seed bank for local farmers who sell their corps at local and regional markets. The goal of the bank was to have farmers collect their own seeds and starts, and then barter with other farmers for different seeds and starts allowing them to grow more diverse crops and be more financially secure. Guess who came after them? Big agra-business.

Today there was an interesting conversation started by asking the questions, “If women, with their typically more cautious and long term approach to money issues, had been in charge of the banking and investing world instead of men, would we have developed a bubble, and if so would the results be as bad as they are now? (I know, big question.) Now I have to admit that at first I thought this was a crap question. But as more information came in I learned some really interesting things. For instance women are more likely to be found in money businesses that do asset management with an eye at 5 years or longer. Men tend to be found in short-term investment areas with windows of 12 months or less. For this short-term approach, men make up over 80% of the staffing, and the vast majority of them are young, and mostly white, and the work is highly competitive.

Added to this environment of high competition and short windows was information from a just completed study on two chemicals (one is testosterone and the other I don’t remember. Not good at names, remember?) whose levels rise in male animals during combat or competition causing them to take more and more chances. This study has found a correlation between these animals and the young men in the short-term investing arena. So what seemed like a crazy question ended up being a pretty interesting conversation. I think the real answer is that there needs to be diversity in any area and that too much of the same view point is hardly ever a good approach.

This was all very interesting until I turned a corner and accidentally hit the up/down and mode buttons on the steering wheel and ended up changing the channel and couldn’t find it again. I did find the gangster rap channel though.

Life lesson: be careful turning corners.

Technology today

I came into work this morning and found that our Outlook was down. No one could login.

Talk about panic! I knew I had a meeting today at mid-morning but didn’t know which project it was about, where it was, or what time. I couldn’t get to my email, and I couldn’t look up phone numbers for my co-workers. Now take my panic level and multiply it by everyone on my floor. It was not a pretty morning, stress levels were on overload. The morning loss was followed by two other losses that didn’t last as long.

The level of stress we experienced made me think that we're due for introduction of a new medical diagnosis of a condition brought on by the loss of everyday technology, causing acute anxiety and the inablility to function and interact with ones environment. It will be called Technology Obsession Stress Syndrome, or TOSS for short.

Now my working career started before we had desktop computers. I got to thinking about how I did the same kinds of things before I had a computer and all the handy applications I have now. First of all I remembered a lot of phone numbers and even addresses. (Something I don’t even try to do now because it’s just a waste of time.) For those I couldn’t remember I had them written down, or I had directories I could use to look them up. There was not cut and paste function, so you would have to re-type things, or do some vague writing and then do some fancy copy machine work which constituted mail merge before Word and Excel.

I, like many others my age, am in possession of a great store of knowledge that is now obsolete. For instance I can use a rotary dial phone, a memo graph machine, a typewriter, a record player, and rabbit ears. I know how to check an old glass TV tube and replace it, as well as a fuse in a fuse box. I can even use a CB radio. Once I even knew how to use a slide rule. I know, ohmygawd!!

I was watching Apollo 13 the other day and there were several things in there that struck me. Of course the fact that they were using slide rules, that just seemed frightening that they were trusting important calculation to two sticks. Also everyone was smoking right at their work stations, how about the workstations? The TV sets were those big console units and the shows were in black and white. No one had a remote control, they had to walk over to the TV and turn the dial.

Star Trek, the original, is also notable for all the toggle switches and indicator lights. I mean this was cutting edge stuff. As a kid we were blown away by the possibilities for technology in the future. Now that we’re in future it seems corny.

It’s crazy to think of all that science has accomplished in my life time. It makes me wonder what is yet to come, and what stresses we’ll have when it goes down. We really are almost held hostage by our reliance on it all. I think we should institute a new annual holiday where we can use only technology that existed before 1950. Can you imagine?? We'll call it Black Hole Day, or Time Tunnel Day.

Where did those days go?

This past weekend was pretty busy. One of the big things that happened which really didn’t involve me, but certainly affects my mental outlook, is that Matt (my son) re-enlisted in the Oregon Army National Guard. I have incredibly mixed feelings about it as his mom.

Part of me says he’s given enough and it’s time for him to retire and pursue other interests. (Like finding the right girl, settling down and producing some more grandbabies for me, and preferably keeping them close to grandma so she can see them more then once or twice a year.) He’s already sacrificed a leg to the cause and has had enough stitches to make a quilt. Matt’s argument is that he’s already had his “incident” so he’ll be OK. He says, “How many people do you know that have been blown up twice?” My response is, “None, they’re all dead!”

The other part of me is really happy that he has found something he really loves to do. Someone said that if you find a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. I’m not so sure that’s completely true, but I know it’s a true blessing, and a gift to work at what you love. I’ve worked a lot of jobs in my life to make a living, and not because I liked them. Working a job you hate is its own kind of hell on earth. I don’t wish that on anyone.

Matt is really excited because he will be getting a Path Finder MOS. For everyone who has no idea what I’m talking about, a MOS is a job in the Army you are trained for, and/or qualified to do. A Path Finder, from my limited knowledge, is someone who goes out in the day or night and establishes landing zones and operations sites for military aircraft. They also conduct sling load operations (have no idea what that is), provide air traffic control and navigational assistance. He’s very excited. This will be added to the list of MOS positions he currently holds: Infantryman, Calvary Scout, and Mechanic. If it’s dirty, dangerous and mentally challenging; he’s loving it. I long for the days when I was the mother of a mechanic.

Let’s see, the perfect job for Matt’s sense of adventure and my need to keep him safe would something along the lines of Path Finder for an outdoor paintball range. It would be dirty, icky and challenging for Matt, and safe and colorful for me. Somehow I don’t think Matt would see it the same way. I remember when dressing up in a mask and cap to run around the house as the Running Kid was adventure enough for him. Where did those days go? Well OK, I admit I’d be more than a little disturbed if I found him doing that now.

IKEA trip

Today my sister and I went to IKEA. I love that store, but let’s face it, it’s a bit of an endurance contest, and the Lord help everyone if a fire breaks out. We’ll never be able to find the way out. The parking is always a circus, but it’s all a great adventure.

I love IKEA because you can find just about anything! I looked at cereal bowls, kitchen rugs, batteries, whisks, pots and pan, bathroom cabinets and sinks. Of course there were a lot of other things to see as well. The kitchen section is really interesting. There are thing there I have no idea what they are for. Frankly some of them look more like torture devices then cooking utensils. In the home organizations section, they have about a million little baskets and bins in hundreds of styles and shapes. Of course when I go looking for something in that section, they don’t have what I think I need. It’s also evitable that you will find something you never thought about and now simply must have!! I actually bought the pots and pans, whisks, and cinnamon rolls.

We also had lunch, the Swedish meatballs, Yum!!

My main goal was to find ideas for remodeling my bathroom. This is not the first bathroom I’ve remodeled. The last time I also had a half bath in the house so no one was left stranded. In this house I only the one bathroom. I’m really working on keeping me relationship with my neighbors in a good place. I’m also counting on the fact that I introduced hi to his girlfriend, and that I’ve feed him a few meals.

It was a little hard leaving IKEA today, even thought our dog were barking. (They need a few rest areas set up along the track.) As we walked out onto the loading area, we had quite a view. Lots of muscles, tall, and just generally hunky. IKEA should put him on a calendar.