Disturbing emails for Mom

I received a couple of very disturbing emails from my mother last week. The first one was titled “Having trouble with squirrels in your bird feeder”. When I opened up the message there were four photos that opened with it. In this series of photos it shows:

Photo #1: a bear in a tree looking at a bird feeder hung on a line between the tree he is in and another.

Photo #2: the bear hanging from the line, headed toward the feeder

Photo #3: the bear at the feeder with his paw on it

Photo #4: the bear has wrapped himself around the feeder and is having lunch.

Now you all know me and this whole thing just begs a few questions: What kind of line are they using to hold this feeder, and where can you get it? Who was the fool standing there taking the photos? What the hell was in that feeder? Will the birds or squirrels ever use the feeder again? Is this bear sharing the location with other bears? One morning will the owners wake up to find multiple bears on the line? And will they still be taking pictures?

The second email was Halloween themed. It was of a, I suppose sumo wrestler, sitting bear bottomed on a stool with his big butt cheeks painted like a jack-o-lantern. Now, again, this just begs some questions: Who looked at a butt and thought jack-o-lantern? Who would think they wanted their butt painted orange with a jack face? And, why would that person allow it to be photographed? What kind of person takes pleasure in painting another person’s butt like a jack-o-lantern? And, last but not least, are they going to display this jack-o-lantern on Halloween and where are they going to stick the candle?

Champagne Divorces?

Mom called the other day to see I was home, which I was. She wanted me to turn on the TV and watch a commercial for Champagne Divorces. I couldn’t believe it. This woman comes on and tells everyone that if you’re ready for a divorce you should talk to her ex-husband the divorce lawyer. She goes on to talk about how caring and gentle he is.

WHAT?!

If he’s such a great guy why are they divorced? Usually when you recommend someone’s services it because you’ve used them yourself. While I’m sure she’s used some of his services (wink, wink) did she really use him as her divorce lawyer? Seems unlikely.

Obviously he’s a very good lawyer; he has his ex-wife doing his commercials. Can there be any doubt that he has some real skills at negotiating a settlement? Not only can’t she tell the world what a crappy husband he was, she has to go on TV and recommend him!

What’s up with the name? Champagne Divorces? And why isn’t Robin Leach doing the commercials? I’m just not sure what kind of message is name sends. Obviously champagne is good for celebrating, but it’s usually for something life affirming like the beginning of a marriage, the start of a business, the launching of a ship. It just seems that divorce calls for something different. Rot Gut Divorces I could understand, or Crying In Your Beer Divorces, maybe even I’ll Never Drink Again Divorces, but Champagne?

If we have Champagne Divorce, you can bet that Caviar Prenups are not too far behind.

Quilt, shoes, pickles and a hatchet kick

It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to write. Big goings-on in my life. I’m preparing for a visit from my daughter and granddaughter. I can’t wait for them to get here!! The quilt is coming along, I’ve finished the top and now need to get it quilted and finished off.

Have been shopping for winter clothes for Boo (my granddaughter, Michelle). I have found some really cute and good quality things. And, a lot of fun shoes since she is really fascinated by foot wear at the moment. I sent her some crazy, big house shoes that are shaped like frogs. They’re for adults but thought for a buck she could have some fun with them. Apparently she loves them and has discovered that they will make a rip-it sound. I had no idea they would do that when I bought them. My best find so far has been a set of six pairs of Disney princess slippers, and cowgirl boots with pink cut outs.

This weekend I found one of those big plastic play structures with a little slide. All the pieces slide into place, it’s like a giant Tinker Toy set. We took it apart, scrubbed it down and put it up in the backyard. It didn’t go back together quite as easily as it came apart, but luckily Matt was there and could give it something called a “hatchet” kick and that did the trick. Can’t wait to see the yard ape having fun on it!!

My daughter received the last box I sent, which had a bunch of stuff for Boo and two jars of homemade pickles for Kristin and her husband. Now you know she’s pregnant because she served Polish dill pickle for lunch with potato chips and PB&J sandwiches. LOL

Time for me and the cat

My cat is feeling very neglected lately. I’ve worked late three nights straight. I barely have time to throw some cat food in her dish and fill here water bowl.

While I’m sitting on the couch watching T.V., the time I would usually be unwinding from the day and petting her, I’m now working on The Quilt. You know the one I started two years ago and that I’m now actually getting somewhere on? So, my cat is feeling really deprived of attention. The situation is made even harder because she won’t let anyone else touch her. There are scads of people who would love to cuddle with her and pet her, but she’s having none of that mess! Bless her heart.

In the mornings I usually give her a little petting while I’m putting on my socks. This morning she was so needy it was really kind of pathetic. I noticed that she had a sore between her shoulder blades so I put some antibiotic crème on it, and of course she didn’t care for that. She’s acting all mistreated and put upon. You would think I’ve committee animal abuse!

This evening I should get home at my regular time. YEAH!! There is a lot of housework I need to get caught up on, like changing out the litter box. But, I will be able to open the back door and let her roam around in the yard, which she loves, at least as long as I’m out there with her. That’s OK, I need to work on the garden, refill the bird feeder, pot some plants and any number of other things. Shit, I’m tired just thinking about it all!

Maybe this evening I can even find some time to just sit and give her a good petting. Now if only I could find someone to do the same for me. Or better yet, someone to change the litter box. I crack myself up!!!

Expedia is a piece of SH**!!!

Okay, today is a rant day, so be warned.

Expedia is a piece of SH**!!!

Over the weekend I used their site to purchase airline tickets from Honolulu to Portland and back. Leaving Hawaii on Oct 10 and returning Oct 25. Big production, lots of excitement to get the dates just right.

I go in today to send the itinerary to my daughter and low and behold the return date is Oct 20. Obviously I called Expedia (that piece of SH**) and explain that there has been a mistake. So sorry, so sad, fork over $150.00. After two levels of supervisors and more then an hour and a half later, even after they admit I chose Oct 10 and Oct 25, so sorry, so sad, fork over $150.00. Their excuse? It’s not our fine it’s the airline’s. Yeah, but who’s system screwed up? So sorry, so sad, fork over $150.00.

Here is what I’ve learned:
---Don’t us Expedia (that piece of SH**!!) because they have a flaw in their system that they refuse to be responsible for
---Check your email confirmation as soon as you get it and call immediately, no matter how many tickets you’ve purchased in the past that have always been correct. (Still not sure this would have help, but just putting the company line out there. Those SH**s!!)
---Expedia is a piece of SH**!!!!!!

Woes and wonders

As anyone who follows my blog knows, I have a real love/hate relationship with the weather. It’s a big factor on my overall general mood at any given time. In a lot of respects I’m like a cat. I don’t want to be wet, I don’t get how anyone could enjoy snow or ice except through glass, and the dog days of summer are NOT my cup of tea.

The last few days we have entered the first phase of the coat – no coat season. This is when the temps are cool enough in the morning to need a coat, but by 9:00 you’re looking to shed the coat and some clothes. Of course the problem is in the afternoon when you have to lug all your coat and clothes to the bus stop, and try not to look like a bag lady. I live in fear that someone is going to offer me a handout.

This is also the hack and hack some more season. This season is much longer and will in fact last until next summer. It starts with the nasty nose that all of a sudden needs to be blown every hour on the hour, then progressed to a much more frequent schedule. Your snot are long and stingy and could in fact be used as an industrial adhesive. Then comes that nasty little congestion in the back of your throat that causes you to do that cough and spit thing that is sooo attractive. You’re basically in a state of constant Kleenex readiness. You may leave home without a coat, but you always have Kleenex!

There are some things that balance this pesky season. For instance, we have already had a few mornings when the fog gathers in the low areas and depressions of the landscape to give the world a mystic flavor. This morning we had an incredible sky show of velvety purples and neon oranges, that lightened to a perfect Tequila Sunrise. Soon the leaves will be turning in mass, giving us a colorful landscape with wood smoke scenting the air, its enough to make Hallmark envious.

I guess Mother Nature really does know her business. To distract us from our blowing, hacking and shivering woos, she gives us a show we can’t take our eyes off of.

A quilt's tale

About two years ago I started a quilt for my granddaughter. Because she was a girl, which we had been really hoping for since girls are so rare in our family, and because she was being born in Hawaii, I planned a Hawaiian quilt. On my first trip there, while my daughter was pregnant, I purchased a book of traditional designs, and some great Hawaiian print fabrics.

Once I got home I poured over my book and chose designs: an octopus, a turtle, a pineapple and various flowers. I worked the copier hard getting them copied at just the right size. I realized the turtle wouldn’t work for what I had planned and ended up having to come up with my own design. I got the fabric fused, then pinned the designs and cut them out.

At this point I realized I needed to develop my appliqué sewing skills. Up to this point in my life I have only used a very old straight stitch Singer sewing machine from the 1930’s. I found a new machine with a lot of bells and whistles, and an appliqué stitch at a garage sale that worked, but now I needed to learn how to use it. That has been a bit daunting. Since my granddaughter has been living in Hawaii, where it is always in the 80’s I haven’t felt a big need to get this little project finished. Of course now that her family is moving to northern Kansas in December, I’m felling the need to get this done. Not to mention that with the new baby due in March, I’ll need to get a second one planned and completed as well. The pressure!!

So, this weekend I took up the quilt project again. Now I have to tell you that I usually find things like sewing, operating machines, and being creative come pretty easy for me. So it’s been a frustrating weekend trying to get the hang of a satin stitch with a sewing machine. In my youth, when my eyes were superior, I had a great hand for this and didn’t need no stinking machine! Now the eyes are not so good and I really need the machine, but even more I need to figure out a technique that will work for me. Sad to say, I’m not quite there yet. In fact, I’ve had to place the quilt pieces in room separate from the sewing machine because I’m afraid all the cussing will somehow leave bad karma on the finished quilt if it’s too near. It would be a bad thing if my sweet little granddaughter started cussing like a sailor for no apparent reason. Worse, I might get blamed!

Tonight is will start basting the designs onto the squares, and maybe by the weekend I will have progressed the point where I feel my skill level is good enough to actually apply the sewing machine needle the pieces. Hopefully the blue haze around my house will be less then expected and thing will go smoothly. Wish me luck!!

Observations from the waiting room

Last week my sister, aunt and I spent a good deal of time in the waiting room while my mother had shoulder surgery (try saying that three time fast!). When you’re sitting around you have time to notice things, especially me, because that’s what I do. How else would I have anything to say here?

So, I happen to notice that there was a variety of reading material available to us, including magazines, health pamphlets, announcements posted on the walls and novels. Novels? That’s right about 20 of them, and we’re not talking the condensed Reader’s Digest versions. We’re talking full blown, 300 pagers, no pictures! Fist of all it takes time to get through a book that size, even for me. I know it feels like forever when you’re sitting in a waiting room, but really!

I also noticed that there were about 10 puzzles. The smallest one was 350 pieces, one or two where 500 pieces but the rest were 1000 pieces. Really? A 1000 pieces? It take me a week to put one of those together, with help! Also I’d like to point out that while they had 10 puzzles, they only had one table. That could be the cause of a nasty puzzlers’ dispute, causing even more need for surgeries.

You know what I didn’t see that would have been some what appropriate? An Operation game!