Great reading

I’m so excited!! I got one of my favorite things this weekend, a Harriet Carter sales catalogue. I love these things!! This is one of the great publications of our civilization. It has everything, items you might need, and items you didn’t know existed, but are so happy someone thought of.

My favorite activity related to the catalogue, is going through and finding the funny stuff. The stuff that makes you laugh out loud. Here are some of my favorites from the most recent issue:

Page 6 – PERFECT VISION TRAINING GLASSES, perforated glasses to “exercise your eyes.” Black lenses with rows of tiny perforations that “…help you to enhance vision by naturally forcing your eyes to focus more with less strain…” Really? I’m thinking that trying to do anything while wearing these things is only going to aggravate the hell out of me and raise my stress levels, putting a strain on everyone around me.

Page 10 – PERSONALIZED PET MONUMENT, “a lasting tribute to one who gave you so much love and devotion.” The instruction are to “…mark pet’s favorite spot in the yard or garden.” Didn’t they already do that when they were alive, and isn’t that why the grass won’t grow there anymore? I love that this in one of three different markers available in the catalogue. You could have a regular little cemetery. Just what a person wants to look out on while they’re relaxing on the patio.

Page 14 – REEL ROASTER, roast the perfect marshmallow at your next BBQ. “,,fishing-inspired tool to land a yummy treat.” You turn a crank which rotates the marshmallow. You know, because it’s so much easier to use two hands to do what it use to take only one to do.

Page 17 – URINE GONE, removes new or old stains and odors. “.. from carpets, mattresses, furniture.” It comes with a black light stain detector. Yuck!!!

Page 19 – GARDEN ANGEL LIGHT, cute angel sleeping with a solar panel on her shoulder and an LED light on her ass. Yeah, this really reeks of class!

Page 28 – WOMEN’S EXERCISE SLIPPERS, “strengthen and tone with every step.” I love that a pair of slippers you wear on your feet can strengthen and tone your legs, buttocks, back and stomach, but it apparently only works on women. Sorry guys.

Page 35 – SOLAR-POWERED ROCKS, “…rocks look like real stones. When night comes, they glow…” Yeah all my real stones glow at night. They wouldn’t seem real without that feature.

Page 41 – DOUBLE-HANDLED MUG, “Never spill another beverage again!” I have no idea how two handles will keep you from ever spilling. I love that they specifically call out those suffering with Parkinson’s, like somehow holding a cup with two trembling hands will help counter act one another. How about a cup with a lid??

Page 42 – SLEEPING PET, “,,,lifelike plush pet actually breathes and gently snores…” Because you can’t get enough of snoring, you want to buy some more.

Page 43 – FANNY BANK, “…makes saving money a real gas.” This is a coin bank molded like a butt. You insert coins into the crack and you get “…the loudest rip you’ve ever heard.” Can we say white trash?

So run, don’t walk, to your mailbox to get your copy of this riveting reading material. Have fun!!